Well folks, the Senior Recruiter has had a tough day. The kind of day that makes you want to stare solemnly into your cocktail and question the intelligence of your fellow man.
I interviewed a high level technology professional today; an encounter that left me speechless.
He showed up right on time and looked the part. After introducing ourselves, he followed me into the elevator to descend two floors to our secondary conference room.
At that point, he opened his mouth and it was all over in just six seconds. You see, He referred his boss with the ultra-pleasant term "Chink". As if that wasn't enough, He followed that incredibly bright comment with "She works me like a Hebrew slave, I hate her"
Well isn't that just special. We didn't even get to the conference room before I decided that you were a complete idiot. I almost expected, as an encore, you'd don a crisp set of white robes and hood. Or perhaps you'd wear black face and do a little dance? Meh.
As for the rest of the interview, I learned that you had been working at a convenience store full time for a bit, yet your resume listed no time period where you could fit that in. Liar.
How could I possibly trust anything else on your resume?
You discussed, at length, some hideous domestic problem that I probably wouldn't even talk about with a close friend.
Thank you so much for your candor, sir. Don't call us, we won't call you.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
You Bailed, You Failed.
I interviewed you, I checked your references. You were ready to go.
I scheduled an interview for you at the client site.
I called you two hours before your interview to coach you a bit and learned that...You forgot it was at 10:00am! You thought, even though I sent you two e-mail confirmations, that it was at 3:00! As if that's not bad enough, you then told me you were convinced that it was a phone interview!
Were you high? Did you hear voices in your head? You even had the nerve to ask me if I could re-schedule the client interview for you. Yeah, right. That's gonna happen. Oops, I deleted you from my database...
Total Failure.
I scheduled an interview for you at the client site.
I called you two hours before your interview to coach you a bit and learned that...You forgot it was at 10:00am! You thought, even though I sent you two e-mail confirmations, that it was at 3:00! As if that's not bad enough, you then told me you were convinced that it was a phone interview!
Were you high? Did you hear voices in your head? You even had the nerve to ask me if I could re-schedule the client interview for you. Yeah, right. That's gonna happen. Oops, I deleted you from my database...
Total Failure.
More Than Meets The Eye
So there you were, sitting in the conference room. You looked fantastic! Great suit, perfect smile. You were articulate and seemed perfectly competent. Then I looked at your resume in detail...
Did you graduate from High School? I mean really, you even mis-spelled the name of your employer! The first paragraph of your resume consisted of one very long run on sentence. Your resume also contained the word "I" 74 times.
Giving you the benefit of the doubt, I continued the interview.
I asked you if you had applied to the client. Of course, you said "no". I asked you if you were ok with submitting to a pre-employment criminal background check. You said "sure".
3 Felonies and 5 misdemeanors later...
What the heck were you thinking? Not only that, you had already gotten fired from this particular client! Did you forget you worked there?
Thanks for wasting my time, buddy.
Did you graduate from High School? I mean really, you even mis-spelled the name of your employer! The first paragraph of your resume consisted of one very long run on sentence. Your resume also contained the word "I" 74 times.
Giving you the benefit of the doubt, I continued the interview.
I asked you if you had applied to the client. Of course, you said "no". I asked you if you were ok with submitting to a pre-employment criminal background check. You said "sure".
3 Felonies and 5 misdemeanors later...
What the heck were you thinking? Not only that, you had already gotten fired from this particular client! Did you forget you worked there?
Thanks for wasting my time, buddy.
Friday, September 14, 2007
So Not Hired
You walked into your interview with me and immediately began to complain about everything in your life.
When I asked what brought you to Wisconsin, your response was "My dad was sick, and I needed to be closer". Now, most people would stop there. You didn't. Instead, you launched into a tirade about your fathers illness and how you just can't wait until he dies so you, in all your selfishness, could move back to your home state.
She complained that it had been two years now, and that, she wanted to move on with her life.
Um..yeah. Move on baby; right through my office door!
As if this wasn't bad enough, she wore blue eyeliner! BLUE!
A couple days later, she followed up with an actual thank you note. Nice gesture, but I'd already decided not to hire you within the first two minutes of your interview.
Sorry. Don't talk to me about your desire for sick relatives to die. I don't care, and it's none of my business.
When I asked what brought you to Wisconsin, your response was "My dad was sick, and I needed to be closer". Now, most people would stop there. You didn't. Instead, you launched into a tirade about your fathers illness and how you just can't wait until he dies so you, in all your selfishness, could move back to your home state.
She complained that it had been two years now, and that, she wanted to move on with her life.
Um..yeah. Move on baby; right through my office door!
As if this wasn't bad enough, she wore blue eyeliner! BLUE!
A couple days later, she followed up with an actual thank you note. Nice gesture, but I'd already decided not to hire you within the first two minutes of your interview.
Sorry. Don't talk to me about your desire for sick relatives to die. I don't care, and it's none of my business.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Short Sleeve Dress Shirt Guy
Do not ever show up to an interview, under any circumstances, wearing a short sleeve dress shirt. I don't care how hot outside it is, or whether it's trendy. It looks ridiculous.
Mr. Candidate, a Sr. Network Administrator, sounded great on the phone. Education, check. Personable, check. Accomplishments? check. So I scheduled an interview for the next morning.
I take one look at the guy when he shows up and I instantly realize there's no freaking way I'm gonna hire him. He's wearing a white short sleeve see-through dress shirt. If that's not bad enough, I realize he's not wearing an undershirt! So there he is, sitting across from me in the conference room and I can't help but notice that I can see his nipples! It was like they were staring at me...
Yuck. I'll bet you can guess the outcome of his interview.
The moral of the story is that you can never dress too well for an interview. And guys? Never, NEVER, wear a white dress shirt without an undershirt, ok? Humanity will thank you for your efforts.
Mr. Candidate, a Sr. Network Administrator, sounded great on the phone. Education, check. Personable, check. Accomplishments? check. So I scheduled an interview for the next morning.
I take one look at the guy when he shows up and I instantly realize there's no freaking way I'm gonna hire him. He's wearing a white short sleeve see-through dress shirt. If that's not bad enough, I realize he's not wearing an undershirt! So there he is, sitting across from me in the conference room and I can't help but notice that I can see his nipples! It was like they were staring at me...
Yuck. I'll bet you can guess the outcome of his interview.
The moral of the story is that you can never dress too well for an interview. And guys? Never, NEVER, wear a white dress shirt without an undershirt, ok? Humanity will thank you for your efforts.
Persistence can be good....or not.
But stalking? Um, no.
It's ok to call a recruiter once a week to check in when you're looking for a new gig somewhere. It is not ok to call three times per day, every day. Why? Because we'll decide not to deal with you anymore.
Let me tell you about Persistence Man(PM). PM seemed like a decent candidate with marketable skills. He is an Oracle Database Administrator. After interviewing him, I let him know that I'd be actively looking for a new position that suited his skills. All's good, right? Wrong.
PM began to call me three times per day. Each time he called, it was about something minor, or worse, completely irrelevant to his job search. It became incredibly annoying.
See, we have caller ID. When he would call, others in the office recognized his number and would chuckle and shout out his name. I began to pretend I was in meetings, meetings for exactly 9.5 hours every day.
So candidates, if you are listening, persistence of a rational type is good. When it crosses over to annoying, you will not get the job. Really. You will become known to everyone in the office as that "crazy guy that won't stop calling". Seriously, we WILL call you when something comes up. We WANT to place you somewhere. Our compensation is tied to placing you! So trust us, we're working for you. We're not gonna work harder because you call 3 times per day, in fact, that's the best way to make sure we'll "lose" your resume.
It's ok to call a recruiter once a week to check in when you're looking for a new gig somewhere. It is not ok to call three times per day, every day. Why? Because we'll decide not to deal with you anymore.
Let me tell you about Persistence Man(PM). PM seemed like a decent candidate with marketable skills. He is an Oracle Database Administrator. After interviewing him, I let him know that I'd be actively looking for a new position that suited his skills. All's good, right? Wrong.
PM began to call me three times per day. Each time he called, it was about something minor, or worse, completely irrelevant to his job search. It became incredibly annoying.
See, we have caller ID. When he would call, others in the office recognized his number and would chuckle and shout out his name. I began to pretend I was in meetings, meetings for exactly 9.5 hours every day.
So candidates, if you are listening, persistence of a rational type is good. When it crosses over to annoying, you will not get the job. Really. You will become known to everyone in the office as that "crazy guy that won't stop calling". Seriously, we WILL call you when something comes up. We WANT to place you somewhere. Our compensation is tied to placing you! So trust us, we're working for you. We're not gonna work harder because you call 3 times per day, in fact, that's the best way to make sure we'll "lose" your resume.
Friday, September 7, 2007
Watered our plant
Oh, don't think I forgot about you. 11 years ago. You were in our conference room with a cup of coffee. When the recruiter returned, your coffee mug was empty, and our silk tree had been watered.
Sleeping
I know who you are. You're the stuff of legends. You were sleeping under your desk with a "do not disturb" sign on your back when the VP of IS walked by. Hope you caught up on your beauty rest.
Don't disturb me by applying.
Don't disturb me by applying.
Sorry Mr, umm Mrs....
You were the perfect candidate for a Senior Project Management position. Your references were great. You carried yourself well. Technologically speaking, you were hard to beat.
WHY DID YOU SHOW UP ON YOUR FIRST DAY WEARING A FREAKING DRESS!
I mean, come on! What you do in your private life is your business. Did you really think you'd be received well at the fortune 500 client-site dressed in a frilly pink ensemble? Kudos of course for your choice of a Fendi purse, but really, what were you thinking?
WHY DID YOU SHOW UP ON YOUR FIRST DAY WEARING A FREAKING DRESS!
I mean, come on! What you do in your private life is your business. Did you really think you'd be received well at the fortune 500 client-site dressed in a frilly pink ensemble? Kudos of course for your choice of a Fendi purse, but really, what were you thinking?
Building bombs on the job
I received a call about you from a client. He wanted me to fire you. Thank goodness you didn't work for me. You moron. You were spending hours researching how to build pipe bombs and ordering supplies on the job. Nice! Think I'm going to call you? I know who you are and I told your boss how to get rid of you.
Thank goodness the only thing that blew up were your chances of working here.
Thank goodness the only thing that blew up were your chances of working here.
It's in the bag
You had the job "in the bag" and went to Chicago for your formality interivew with the VP of IS at a prestigeous company. You were paid a per diem so you could obtain a hotel room and have a couple of meals. You- the guy who dressed in a suit and were very professional with me, you stumbled into the interview reeking of whiskey and very rumpled from sleeping in a car so you could use the money on alcohol. Security escorted you from the building. Yeah, it's in the bag- in the little brown paper bag.
Wrong Team
You arrived in my office seeking an IT manager job for over $100,000/year. You were wearing tight cut-off blue jean shorts, tennis shoes, and a Ram's t-shirt. Beyond the obvious, wrong team buddy!
Snot your job
In the HR office, you blew your nose on your sleeve, wiped your nose with your hand, then extended your hand to shake the HR manager's hand. You stood up in the middle of the interview and announced "I have to go to the bathroom" and walked down the hall looking for a bathroom.
Resume Snippet of The Day
"I am having three years of hands on my experience". Umm, okay. I really don't want to know what you have your hands on, buddy. What I do know, is I'm not calling you.
You were highly inappropriate!
You told me that you were looking for a caucasian woman to bear children for you since your wife was barren and the last caucasian woman you asked could only bake potatoes in the microwave and your wife was a better cook. You then asked me if I could cook and if I would like to have children and if I needed help. One day you called me from outside my office and said"hello, I'm in your parking lot looking in your window. Come out. Come out and see me. Get in my car and go to lunch with me. I know you're there."
Why would I hire you to work for me?
Why would I hire you to work for me?
Your picture
You sent me pictures of yourself wearing nothing but a cowboy hat and black underwear. One was full frontal, and the other was just of your rear end. You continued to apply for jobs. Did you think those pictures would make me want to hire you? What were you thinking?
Welcome!
Ever wonder why you just aren't getting calls back after submitting your resume to 10 different companies? Could it be because you've mis-spelled the name of your University? Or maybe you included a typo in your cover letter that reads; "You will be disappointed if you hire me". (yeah, the word NOT changes everything, doesn't it?)
Here at Why I Didn't Hire You, we're going to share with our readers the many strange and true situations we encounter every day at a mid-size Information Technology Consulting Company in the Midwest.
So welcome! We hope you laugh as hard as we do, and maybe, you might just learn a thing or two.
Here at Why I Didn't Hire You, we're going to share with our readers the many strange and true situations we encounter every day at a mid-size Information Technology Consulting Company in the Midwest.
So welcome! We hope you laugh as hard as we do, and maybe, you might just learn a thing or two.
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